Murder on the Road

Friends, I hope all of you are enjoying the holiday season in your own different and quaint ways. I wanted to share some of the thoughts (sort of weird ones)which keep criss-crossing my mind when I am driving on the Bangalore roads. Kindly let me know, if many of you also experience some or all of these thoughts one time or the other.

Listed below are some of my feelings, when on the road:-

(i)I have been feeling a constant urge to buy and keep a baseball club in my car. Why? To swing it at the empty heads of offending fellow drivers, and to not miss!!

(ii)To swing the car to the right, and crush/grind to a pulp the bike trying to sneak into the teeny-weeny space between my car and the divider

(iii)To pull out the "more-than-errant, foul-mouthed, and arrogant" driver of a "yellow plate" vehicle (cab/van/truck) by his hair, and stab him more than 20 times to death
--> Sub-Feeling No.1: To smash to death auto-rickshaw drivers, who never use their rear view mirrors, before wildly swerving on to my path without any hint of a warning
--> Sub-Feeling No.2: To have the drivers of buses publicly lynched and ensure they meet the death of a street mongrel (Kill the passengers who are responsible too), for :(a)Stopping dead in the middle of a busy road or doing so to block a busy crossing, (b) Swerving right and trying to crush smaller vehicles on to the divider etc etc
--> Sub-Feeling No.3: To put a knife through the drivers of Tata Sumos etc who try to muscle their way through by threateningly veering towards your vehicle to try scaring you to the side of the road

(iv)To increase the speed of my car, and run over the two-wheeler in front of me who turns deaf to my polite honks, and continues riding at a snail's pace through the exact centre of a wide road

(v)To slap the driver of a tractor which slows down the entire city traffic, and to tell him that the road does not run through his farm

(vi)To mow down the pedestrians who choose to jump right in front of my car, timing the jump right when I reach the spot, despite the moron having clearly seen me coming on the road. Same applies to the idiots who are able and hearty, but still amble across the road slowly on purpose in a mocking fashion

(vii)When the cattle (whose rightful place is on a farm!) jumps in front of my car, instinctively I feel like "shooting the messenger" (Read: killing the animal, even if my car gets dented). However, then I feel that the person who should be tied to an electric post and flogged to death, is the animal's empty-headed owner.

(viii)To search for, find out, and club to death, the idiotic employee(s) of the municipality, who are responsible for the stupidly designed&placed humps, potholes of gorge-like proportions, open manholes, roadblocks forgotten to be removed, and what not!

(ix)To gift bangles to traffic policemen for them to wear, when I see them not being able to enforce rules on erring motorists

(x)To have the vehicles pounded (with the driver tied up inside), when I see them jumping red signals with impunity, as if it is their birthright.

(xi)To burst the tires of drivers who try to honk and push their way through, and do not allow people in front of them to legally change lanes (when they very much could have done so!)

(xii)To hit and reduce cyclists (and their cycles) into a mangled piece of metal and flesh, for swerving right or left without warning (and any gap)

(xiii) Break all the headlights/brakelights and burst all the tires of vehicles, who endanger others on the road at night by having some or all of their headlights/brakelights to be not switched on.

(xiv)For folks driving on roads in the wrong direction and on footpaths-Show no mercy. Tie them up and have a road roller run over them.

(xv)For folks who honk without any reason, and for those who ignore signs like "No U-Turn" - Cut off the ears of the former and gouge out the eyes of the latter. Their ears and eyes are vestigial/non-functional, anyways.

(xvi)For folks who try to go from the rightmost lane to the leftmost one (or vice-versa), bang at a busy crossing - Just hang them to death right there!

Plea to the relevant authorities - Either do your duties and enforce traffic laws (which you have proven to be incapable of till now), or please legally sanction law-abiding drivers to do any of the above sixteen things!